Reclaiming Your Desires: Why Wanting More Isn’t Selfish
Wanting more isn’t selfish but somewhere along the way, many of us started believing it was.
Maybe you’ve talked yourself out of asking for the promotion or stayed in a relationship that no longer fits. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that your dreams are “too much,” “unrealistic,” or somehow unfair to everyone else.
One of the biggest questions I ask clients is, “What do you need?”
Learning to identify and meet our needs is foundational to self-care and sustainable success, because self care is the intentional practice of tending to your needs.
But there’s another question that often feels even more uncomfortable:
What do you really want?
That question has the power to reveal the parts of ourselves we’ve quietly abandoned.
Reclaiming those desires may be one of the most important acts of self-leadership we ever practice.
Why Wanting More Isn’t Selfish
Most people have no problem dreaming big for the people they love.
They want their children to thrive, their partners to succeed, their teams to be recognized, and their friends to feel fulfilled.
But when it comes to themselves, something changes.
We worry that pursuing our own desires will somehow take something away from someone else. We fear being judged as greedy, ungrateful, or unrealistic. So instead of honoring what we want, we shrink our dreams until they feel “acceptable.”
Over time, we stop asking ourselves what we want at all. Eventually, we settle for being “content” instead of dreaming bigger and striving for more.
The Hidden Cost of Settling
For me, this realization came during a meeting with my accountant.
As we reviewed my business finances, she looked at me and said something that completely stopped me:
“You should be making ten times this.”
She wasn’t criticizing my work, she was simply pointing out something I already knew but hadn’t fully admitted to myself.
I had been undercharging and overdelivering. At times, I was even doing work for free. In many cases I refused to raise my rates because I wanted to make things easier for everyone else.
In my efforts to be generous, underneath was the belief that I fully didn’t believe that I deserved more for myself. And, that realization wasn’t just about money. It was about every place in my life where I had been settling instead of allowing myself to imagine what was truly possible.
The Belief That Keeps Us Small
Many of us have inherited the idea that our desires only matter if they benefit someone else.
We tell ourselves:
- “I don’t really need it.”
- “It’s not that important.”
- “I should just be grateful.”
- “Other people need this more than I do.”
Eventually, we stopped dreaming altogether, but what I had to learn was that gratitude and ambition can exist together.
You can deeply appreciate your life and desire more from it.
The two are not opposites.
Reclaiming Your Desires Starts with One Question
Instead of asking:
“What should I want?”
Try asking:
“What do I want?”
Not what your family wants.
Or not what your coworkers expect.
Not what makes everyone else comfortable.
Just you.
Maybe you want:
- More time.
- Better health.
- More income.
- A different career.
- A slower schedule.
- More creativity.
- A healthier relationship.
- More rest.
- A beautiful home.
- A business that supports your life instead of consuming it.
None of those desires make you selfish.
They make you human.
A Simple Practice for Reclaiming What You Want
One of the exercises I share in this week’s podcast is called:
One Area. One Desire. One Move.
Instead of trying to reinvent your entire life, focus on just one area.
Ask yourself:
1. What area of my life has been shaped mostly around everyone else’s needs?
Maybe it’s work, your relationships, or your health.
Choose one.
2. What do I want in this area that would benefit me?
Set a timer for five minutes.
Write everything down.
Don’t edit yourself, explain it, or justify it.
Just let yourself want.
3. What’s one small move I can make this week?
Not the entire plan.
Not the finished goal.
Just one action that moves you a little closer.
Momentum builds self-trust.
And self-trust changes everything.
Your Life Is Supposed to Benefit You Too
One of the biggest mindset shifts I’ve had is this:
I am one of the people my life is supposed to benefit.
Read that again.
If you spend your life pouring into everyone else, you belong on that list too.
You don’t have to earn rest or justify joy.
Nor do you have to explain why you want something beautiful, meaningful, or expansive.
You are allowed to create a life that nourishes you.
In fact, when you do, you often become even more present, generous, and impactful for everyone around you.
Listen to the Full Conversation
This blog only scratches the surface of the conversation.
In Season 2, Episode 4 of I Buy Myself Flowers, “Reclaiming the Part of Me That Wants More,” I dive deeper into why reclaiming your desires is an essential part of healing, sustainable success, and living in alignment.
Listen on Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
Continue Your Reclamation Journey
If this conversation resonated with you, you may also enjoy these related articles:
- People Pleaser? 5 Ways To Stop Putting Everyone Else First
- Stress Management: Finding Calm & Balance
- Why Rest Is the Missing Piece of Sustainable Success
These topics build on the same theme of sustainable success, boundaries, self-trust, and reclaiming the life you truly want.
The question isn’t whether you’re capable of creating more.
The question is whether you’re willing to admit that you want it.
Because reclaiming your desires doesn’t make you selfish.
It makes you honest.
And that honesty just might change your life.
Latest Posts
