Relaxation for High Achievers: What Happens When You Stop Performing?
What does relaxation for high achievers actually look like when you have spent years believing that pressure, productivity, and performance are what keep everything moving?
For many of us, relaxing does not feel particularly relaxing. We may know that we are exhausted and even recognize that we need a break, but the moment we slow down, another voice begins asking whether we should be doing something, what we are accomplishing, whether we are being productive enough, and what might happen if we stop.
Pressure can become so familiar that we begin to mistake it for motivation. We convince ourselves that we thrive under pressure and that we are at our best when there is a deadline, a problem to solve, or something to manage. Lately, however, I have been considering a different set of questions: What happens when that pressure is not necessary, and who gets to show up then? Exploring those questions has led me to rethink what relaxation can actually mean.
Relaxation for High Achievers Isn’t About Becoming Lazy
For a long time, I did not think of relaxation as something I needed in its own right. I viewed it primarily as recovery—something I did after I had worked hard enough, accomplished enough, or pushed myself far enough. If I am being honest, I also associated the relaxed version of myself with being irresponsible or lazy.
What I discovered is that the relaxed version of me is not less capable, ambitious, or responsible. She is simply more present, and that presence allows me to connect with parts of myself that do not receive much room when my overperforming self is running the show: the curious and playful parts, the part that wants to explore and notices beauty, the part that has needs and desires, and the part that can simply be.
Relaxation did not make me less of myself. It gave more of me room to exist.
What I Learned When I Left My Laptop Behind
Recently, I spent five days on a friend’s farm in California. Before I left, I made the surprisingly difficult decision not to take my laptop. This may sound small, but it was significant for me because I love being able to say that I can work from anywhere. While traveling, I can check my email, answer a message, or become inspired by a new environment and immediately turn that inspiration into something productive.
This time, I chose not to give myself that option. Without my laptop, the part of me that is always connected to work had fewer opportunities to remain in control. Work-related thoughts still surfaced during the drive, but eventually I stopped following them and began noticing what was around me: the trees, the colors of the sky, the clouds and animals, and the smells of hay, flowers, trees, and the ocean. I rolled down the window and allowed myself to experience the drive.
My body began responding to the fact that the overperforming part of me was no longer in the driver’s seat, and that was only the beginning.
When Pressure Becomes Your Identity
During those five days on the farm, there was no checklist telling me what I needed to accomplish. Some mornings, I stayed in bed until 10. We picked apples, pears, and blackberries, hiked through the redwoods, cleared weeds, moved equipment, ate meals prepared with food from the land, and sat outside to watch the stars. Throughout it all, I never felt that I needed to prove I was being productive.
Even when I cleaned the kitchen, I was not doing it because I felt responsible for keeping everything perfect. I cleaned because I wanted to enjoy a clean kitchen and wanted everyone else to enjoy it, too. The outcome was the same—a clean kitchen—but the energy behind the action was completely different. One version of the action came from pressure and the belief that I needed to be useful or prove myself, while the other came from the simple desire to contribute.
That distinction matters because sometimes the problem is not what we are doing. It is why we believe we have to do it.
Why Relaxing Can Feel So Uncomfortable
For high achievers, pressure can become an internal operating system that makes everything feel urgent, important, and high stakes. Eventually, we may begin to believe that pressure is the reason we are successful. We tell ourselves that we thrive under pressure, rise to the occasion, and do not buckle when things become difficult.
Sometimes that is true. There are moments when we genuinely need the part of ourselves that can respond quickly, manage complexity, and perform in high-stakes situations. I do not want to lose that part of myself, but I also do not want to live there around the clock—and neither should you.
The problem begins when we create conditions in which everything feels like an emergency. At that point, releasing the pressure can feel risky because beneath the question, What happens if I slow down? may be a much bigger one: Who am I without the pressure?
You Don’t Have to Earn Relaxation
One of the most important reframes I can offer is that relaxation is a state of being, not something you earn. There will always be emails, responsibilities, problems to solve, people who need something from you, and tasks waiting on your list. If you wait until everything is finished before allowing yourself to relax, you may never get there.
Relaxation therefore becomes a choice, but it does not have to be an all-or-nothing decision. You do not have to disappear for a week, book an expensive spa day, meditate for an hour, or abandon your ambition. Instead, you can intentionally create small periods of time in which pressure is not allowed to make the decisions.
If you are interested in exploring this further, I also wrote about why rest is the missing piece of sustainable success and why rest does not have to compete with ambition.
Give Your Relaxed Self the Driver’s Seat
I want to invite you to choose a period of time that feels safe and realistic. It could be 20 minutes, an hour, an afternoon, a morning, or a day while you are traveling. During that time, imagine placing the part of you that is always producing, performing, managing, controlling, and pushing into the back seat.
Then ask yourself: If the part of me that is always producing, performing, managing, controlling, and pushing were in the back seat, what would the relaxed part of me choose right now?
Allow her to answer, rather than deferring to your productivity, your inner critic, or your calendar.
1. Listen to Your Body
Begin by slowing down enough to notice what your body is telling you. Take a breath and pay attention to your energy, your muscles, and the quality of your breathing before asking, What do I need right now?
Perhaps you need water, something sweet, a stretch, time outside, music, movement, rest, or a conversation with someone you love. You may discover that you do not want to do anything at all. The goal is not to turn the answer into another productivity exercise; it is simply to practice listening.
2. Follow What Feels Interesting
During my time on the farm, there was a moment when I suddenly wanted to walk through the olive trees. I did not have a reason, and I was not expecting a breakthrough or looking for inspiration. I simply thought it seemed interesting, so I went outside, walked through the trees for five minutes, and then returned to my book.
Nothing extraordinary happened, and that was the point. Not every experience needs to become productive, and not every moment needs to result in an insight, accomplishment, or breakthrough. Sometimes you can simply follow what interests you.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind
This may be one of the most difficult practices for high achievers because we are often deeply committed to doing what we said we would do. As a result, changing our minds can feel like failure. When the stakes are low, however, changing your mind can become an opportunity to build self-trust.
You can stay longer, leave earlier, take a different route, stop halfway through, begin something else, or change the plan entirely. You do not have to prove that the original plan was the right one. You are allowed to respond to what you need now.
The Relaxed Version of You Has Something to Offer
One of the most important things I realized during those five days was that my relaxed self was not passive. I was still contributing, helping, making decisions, and being useful. I was still myself; I simply was not measuring my worth by what I accomplished.
When pressure is removed, you may discover that you are not less capable. You may simply operate from a slower, more responsive place where you can observe before reacting, listen before deciding, notice what you actually want, and make choices based on curiosity rather than obligation.
That is one of the gifts of relaxation for high achievers: it creates space for parts of you that are often drowned out by the constant need to perform.
You Don’t Need Work-Life Balance to Make Space for Yourself
I do not think about this as work-life balance. I think about it as a collection of buckets. Imagine that you have a finite amount of water and several buckets representing the different parts of your life. Your work bucket might require 80 percent of your attention one day and only 20 percent on another. The goal is not to keep every bucket completely full at all times, because that is impossible. The goal is to notice where your energy needs to go right now.
When I left my laptop at home, my work bucket did not disappear forever; it simply became much smaller for a few days. That created room for other parts of me, including my relaxed, adventurous, and curious selves and the part of me that wanted wonder and awe. Sometimes we do not need to do less forever. We simply need to recognize when it is time to reallocate our attention.
What Could Become Possible When You Stop Pushing?
The beautiful thing about this experiment is that you are not trying to become a completely different person. You are collecting data and showing yourself that you can step away from pressure without the world falling apart. In the process, you can learn what becomes available when you are not operating ten steps ahead, discover what your body is asking for, notice what draws your attention, and build greater trust in yourself.
You may also discover that the relaxed version of you has been waiting for an opportunity to speak.
If you have been approaching self-care as another thing you need to do perfectly, this may also be a good time to revisit my thoughts on self-care tips for reducing stress and preventing burnout. Sustainable self-care is not about adding another set of expectations to your life. It is about understanding the beliefs and patterns beneath the way you care for yourself.
Reflection Questions for Your Relaxed Self
After you try this experiment, take a few minutes to consider the following questions:
- How did I feel when pressure was no longer making the decisions?
- What did my body ask for?
- What choices became available to me?
- What did I learn about the relaxed part of myself?
- Where could I allow her to have more influence in my regular life?
- What helps me truly recharge?
That final question is especially important. Rather than answering it from the perspective of your exhausted self, ask your relaxed self. Her answer may surprise you.
Listen to the Full Episode
This idea is at the heart of Season 2, Episode 6 of I Buy Myself Flowers, where I share the full story of my five days on the farm and what the experience taught me about pressure, productivity, relaxation, and self-trust.
Listen to “Reclaiming the Relaxed Part of Me” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube.
As you listen, consider this question:
Who shows up when the part of you that is always performing finally gets to rest?
You may discover that she has been there all along.
Your Turn
This week, resist the urge to turn relaxation into another thing you have to accomplish. Instead, let the relaxed part of you make one decision. Allow her to take the driver’s seat for a moment, and notice what she chooses, how your body feels, and what becomes possible when you do not have to prove anything.
Relaxation is not about becoming less ambitious. It is about remembering that you are a human being, not a human doing, and you do not have to earn your right to simply be.
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